New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
