I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
the day after is always just damage control
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
