Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize