Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize