there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
