Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
