Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
