If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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