I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
