talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
