Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
