I am in a vortex of obligation.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Randomize
