$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
