So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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