And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
