I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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