I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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