apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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