I am puke
no, he came in my armpit
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
