1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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