i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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