Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Randomize
