so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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