i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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