If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
