got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
