I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
