Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
