i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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