Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
