A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize