I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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