I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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