I'm going to jail i love you
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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