There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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