I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
