Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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