his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
