you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
