in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It's never too late to be topless.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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