The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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