I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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