You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
