All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
