haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
