I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
