how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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