You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
