I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
