arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
