the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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