Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
