Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize