he puts the penis in happiness.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
