Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
