you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
