If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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