I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
