Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
