That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
