he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
