I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
