Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
